Negotiating with the Inner Critic

“What the F@#$ do you think you are doing?”

I was standing on a small rock ledge, my ankles just above the tops of the large trees, gripping what little rock I could with my fingertips as my climbing instructor spidered up the rock face above me.

“You can’t do this! What the F!@# are you trying to do?”

The voice was so loud I was convinced everyone around could hear it too.

I looked up the face at the encouraging smile of my instructor as the voice kept on.

I wasn’t a quitter. I couldn’t just not try. That wasn’t me – despite that voice. This wasn’t impossible. The instructor did it with ease: I needed to do this.

Despite this determination the voice was relentless.

And then I took action: I knocked my head against the rock face and yelled – maybe out loud, or maybe it was just in my head – “Shut the F@#$ up! You aren’t helping. If you won’t help, shut up!”

And, to my amazement, it did.

And I climbed.

More astonishingly a month or so later I jumped out of an airplane. There was no voice – at all. No muttering. No voice or voices. Just the wind and silence.

Five minutes of inner-silent bliss.

That was long ago.

The inner critic is usually quiet. If I do hear it now I know it is time to stop for a bit and to ask the question: “Are you Helping? Or Hindering?”

And if the answer that comes back is “helping!” - which it does sometimes - it is often with a calm “look left” tone, and I know Anxiety is nearby wringing their hands, possibly having noticed something, anticipating everything that could possibly go wrong. And as soon as I hear it, I know it is time to stop for a bit; to analyze the situation. To Pause before proceeding and to bring in all the other voices and draft solutions and plans for next steps. (and that is another blog: Imposter Thinking? or Strength?)