Imposter Thinking? - or Strength?
“Hey, you. You aren’t real.
I know real and you aren’t it.”
“OK.” I tell myself. “Take a deep breath.”
I am standing on the edge of a precipice.
One foot is stretched out forward.
I can see nothing in front of me: No place for that foot to come down.
“You’ve never done this before. When they find out, you’re done for!
Making things up as you go – you will fail.
And when you do, the game will be up!”
My heart is pounding.
I wake up - again.
Can’t get back to sleep as all the possible areas of failure loom out of the darkness.
“There’s so much that is ready to go wrong!
Face it.
This is more than you can do!”
I get up.
Head to the desk.
Turn on the light and haul out some paper and my trusty pen. An ancient fountain pen.
It is comforting to hold. The weight lovely. The texture smooth; warm. I feel solid with this tool in my hand. Grounded.
I begin writing -
Worry # 1
What’s the end point:
Where might this go wrong? How?
What’s the likelihood of that happening?
What are the impacts if it does?
What do I know:
What don’t I know that I need to know to get to the end point:
Who has that information.
Worry #2
Repeat the exercise.
And on until the worries are documented.
I switch off the light and return to bed.
And I sleep.
Next morning, I’m up emailing all the “Who” on those wee-hour analyses – setting meetings – 10 and 15 minutes at a time.
By noon, the gaps are closed, risks logged, mitigation activities assigned and we are moving forward.
I’ll sleep well tonight.
Maybe I’ll sleep well tomorrow as well, but I’m pretty sure come Tuesday next week, I’ll hear it again:
“Hey, you. You aren’t real.
I know real and you aren’t it.”
“You’ve never done this. When they find out, you’re done for!
. . . you will fail.
And when you do, the game will be up!”
That voice that has called me out has become a dreaded, but much appreciated, voice. It’s the inner voice saying “things are loose! There are important things that you don’t know enough about!”. It’s the voice of my subconscious letting me know I might have missed something in the complexity and speed of the situation. It is the voice that spurs me, with a heavy sigh, into my wee-hour analysis to explore the corners.
It’s the voice that drives “better”.
And sometimes the actions have led to uncomfortable conversations, often enough with stakeholders.
Imposter?
There’ve been many “I’ve never done anything quite like this before” situations – absolutely!
That’s growth. And, like you, I’m far more than I was 5-, 10-, 20- years ago.
Imposter?
No - though I thought so at one time.
Not any more.
I am Aware.
Conscientious.
Committed to success.
And rather grateful for that voice that motivates me to pause in the wee hours when things are quiet, to have a good long look into the corners and ask “what don’t I know that I need to know?”.
Breaking through! Like the voice of the subconscious breaking through the noise of “busy” to alert me of what I might be overlooking.