Protecting Illusions of Strength – at what cost?

Inherent Strengths: We all come with our very own personal set – Gifts we are born with that, if used well, allow us to excel.

What happens if we turn our backs on that birthright, and pursue aspirations that require strengths we don’t have?

 “It’s not fear that gets in the way of daring leadership; it’s armor. When things get tough, do we lean in to vulnerability and get curious, or do we self-protect in ways that move us away from our values?” Dr. Brené Brown

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My husband was on a business trip that spring day when the doorbell rang. There, on the step was his boss.

After some pre-amble about a “situation”, the boss, reciting their own title and role, informed me “You need to convince him to do this! He needs to consider his career!”

I had the impression I was peering in through the slits of a thick, medieval helmet into the eyes of a jouster.

The jouster’s “opponent” (my partner and this person’s colleague) was unavailable to joust, so the proxy (me) was being challenged to play out the duel – with my husband. And if the weight of the mace and length of the lance (their title and role) didn’t convince me, the veiled threat (his career was in peril if…) was intended to.

Why the protection? Why the threat?

My memory has a well-polished full-suit of armour awkwardly clanking down the stairs after the unsuccessful visit; the stair railing in one hand, long lance in the other, with the mace tucked under the arm.

A year or so later this boss collapsed while on business. Unable to work. Unable to function. They returned home to the care of medical specialists.

Some time after the long recovery, we chatted under a tree.
The armour was gone.
The dream from youth, they explained, had been to dance.
Dance wasn’t a career option in their home.

This person had lived out the family expectations, pursuing multiple degrees and a “respectable”, if personally ill-fitting, career – without dance. A career parents were proud of. Lacking the inherent strengths required to excel in the roles they had landed, they had learned to adopt the illusions of strengths – and a respectable armour to protect the illusions - until the overwhelming weight of the armour became too much to carry and the illusion too difficult to maintain.

Being one’s self – takes Courage.

Courage: Etymology: from Latin cor “heart”. Words for “heart” also commonly are metaphors for inner strength.

Courage: Definition (Oxford): to be brave and confident enough to do what you believe in